Just for laughs

Laughter is, after all, the best medecine.

7 Comments

  1. amyfoxwell said,

    June 17, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
    SURVIVOR: Motherhood – Outwit, Outplay, Outlast

    Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids
    each for six weeks.

    Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

    There is no fast food.

    Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean,
    correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry,
    and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills with not enough money.

    In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

    Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and
    relatives, and send cards out on time–no emailing.

    Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a
    dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

    He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the
    Urgent Care.

    He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

    Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
    planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

    The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep
    and all chores are done.

    The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with
    jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails
    polished and eyebrows groomed.

    During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
    abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood
    swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

    They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at
    least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

    They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the
    morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair
    by 7:00 am.

    A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will
    be required to know all of the following information: each child’s
    birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name.
    Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of
    labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack,
    favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what
    they want to be when they grow up.

    The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man
    wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his
    spouse at a moment’s notice.

    If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over
    again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be
    called Mother!

    • Yasmine Garreau said,

      February 19, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      I laughed and laughed when I read this, hilarious, thank you !!!!!!! Story of my life !! Yasmine

  2. amyfoxwell said,

    May 27, 2009 at 8:25 am

    THE WORLD‘S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE!”

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

    The girl said:’NO!’

    And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin’ lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

    The End

  3. Meighan Merono said,

    May 26, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Disneyland Rules

    My mother is a very quiet, patient and reserved woman. Her advice regarding marriage, children, and life in general seems to somehow always lead back to Disneyland.

    For those who haven’t been to the Magic Kingdom lately, it is usually a long day full of laughter and good times. And more often than not, the day ends up lasting just a little too long, with too many churros, and leads to a meltdown. I have a vague memory of my grandmother carrying me down Mainstreet after I had reached my breaking point and hollered in every direction, “My legs don’t work. MY LEGS DON’T WORK!”

    My mother’s rules for enjoying a day at Disneyland and avoiding disaster are simple:

    1. eat when you are hungry
    2. rest when you are tired
    3. don’t go on any rides that you don’t want to go on

    Try these rules out for yourself to get a little more enjoyment and a little less catastrophe…. whether it’s Disneyland or life in general!

  4. amyfoxwell said,

    May 22, 2009 at 9:54 am

    You’ve probably all seen this, but this version is great, plus there are subtitles. Enjoy (if you have time).

    http://blogs.northlandchurch.net/2008/08/11/the-mom-song/

  5. amyfoxwell said,

    May 14, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

    Lesson 1

    1. Go to the grocery store.
    2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
    3. Go home.
    4. Pick up the paper.
    5. Read it for the last time.

    Lesson 2

    Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
    1. Methods of discipline.
    2. Lack of patience.
    3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
    4. Allowing their children to run wild.
    5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

    Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

    Lesson 3

    A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
    1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

    2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
    3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
    4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
    5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
    6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
    7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
    8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
    9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

    Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

    Lesson 4

    Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…
    1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
    2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
    3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
    4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
    5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
    6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

    Lesson 5

    Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
    1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
    2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

    Time allowed for this – all morning.

    Lesson 6

    Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
    1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
    Leave it there.
    2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
    3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
    4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

    Lesson 7

    Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

    Lesson 8

    1. Hollow out a melon.
    2. Make a small hole in the side.
    3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
    4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
    5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
    6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

    You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

    Lesson 9

    Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

    Lesson 10

    Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

    Lesson 11

    Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

    • Amie said,

      October 11, 2010 at 8:38 am

      Excellent! Thanks for the laughs!


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